March 31, 2008
Leaving on a Boeing jet
Take care, darling. See you soon, tho not sooner than soon.
xxx
I've started on Grey's Anatomy. Thxx to my intern sis.
It's surely more inspiring and uplifting than 6Ft Under. So, guess it's a good switch.
The things we do to fill the space and the time...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:19
March 30, 2008
Post 1001st
The last post was the 1000th. Wow! We are in the thousand zone now! Bravolicious!
xxx
Glad.
Because I've cleared my TFL, all of it. Every fucking cent I earn now belongs to me (and lousy HDB). No more mental subtractions whenever I peep at the balance in my passbook. Nice!
People sign off a part of their freedom when they put on their wedding band. My new band is commemorative of a freedom from TFL.
xxx
Ambivalent.
Because I think I just saw my bblics darling for the last time until at least 4 months later. So, this is it.
We will still sms each other asking for programmes on body-lethargic-mind-restless weekend nights. We actually have more variety of possible places to go; she in Shanghai and me in Singapore. Just that we surely will not be able to execute it now.
xxx
When I was thinking of the word that comes to my mind when I think of me, strangely, the word that came was 'sleep'.
xxx
Home and PLAY. Clubbing at either of these places, call me. Seriously need more (verymuchsingle) friends who are spontaneous and have more individuality.
There is no soulmate. Just many playmates.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:28
March 29, 2008
the word.
I called for The Word to wear on my finger.
And these are the returns from my friends:
Insufferable
Placid
Serenity
Numb
Muse
Faithless
Ponder
Jaded
Oxymoron
Da-jie
Sora (jap for 'sky')
I love 'insufferable'. Thanks, Shameless! But it's too damn long!
I'm thinking of 'damn' or 'wtf'. It sums up my attitude to most things anyway. Cool?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 19:20
The finale.
Watched season finale of 6ft Under S2. Totally depressing. Totally.
No wonder I had dreams of death, fear of death and well, really just a lot of those stuff one associates with when one thinks of death. I can remember that helplessness, that absolute lack of words to convince anyone (least of all, oneself) that it's going to be OK. The immense, borderless fear.
I mean, as much as life can be so seriously fucked, it is just so much more frightening if you are faced with the no-option of letting it go. It's almost like your life doesn't even belong to you. Now, that feeling must be the mother of all fucked up feelings.
Anyway, I'm overdosed. I'm even dreaming about it. Shit. I need to get a break from the series.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:03
March 24, 2008
Enelya then said...
me: So, what about decisions? Like how do you decide to tell or not to tell, and if to tell, how much to tell? Isn't it easier to just not decide?
enelya: No. Haven't you lived long enough to realise that most of the time, not making a decision or not being the one who made the decision has a greater impact than making a wrong decision?
me: Right. Especially not being the one who made the decision that involves me. That sucks, big time.
enelya: Uh-huh.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:29
March 23, 2008
In between sips of riesling...
the qn: The most vivid memory you have of this place? The first thing you think of when you think of here?
her ans: Darren.
(Yes, we miss you, Darren. And Nuris too. Very much.)
my ans: The time when I felt totally fucked up cos of Desmond. I don't even remember why I was crying so uncontrollably then. I mean, I already knew he was an arsehole.
her: Maybe because he's an arsehole and he's your boyfriend?
me: Ya. That, and also 'cos I couldn't just let it go then. Anyway, that was really fucked up.
the qn: The top three songs that come to your mind when you think of here?
her ans: Heaven, Dancing Slow and Insensitive.
my ans: Out of Reach, My Immortal and Sway.
her: Ya, Sway.
I also remember always bumping into Joe and Jeremy here. I remember Kynthia sitting in the group, with Apple, Wenn and me. I remember the one time Shaun joined us and insulted Darren's prowess with the guitar chords (But, see, it's not just the music, it's how good he looked while making it).
I also remember Kay. I remember Kay singing If I Ain't Got You. I remember her head bobbing up and down with the music. I remember us holding hands while the vocals of Nuris mesmerized us.
I remember a lot. I need to stop remembering. The remembering is getting out of hand.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:46
For one more day, really
Bkgrd music is one of Bblic's fav, the top three she listed yesterday as Songs from Fat Frog/Timbre.
Insensitive ~ Jann Arden.
xxx
It's our favourite. Soft rock weekend. It's the highlight of all weekends whenever Class95 is on this theme. Because they are all songs from the days we spent in late-university, early-worklife. Every song seems to tell a story, is some reason for a nostalgic smile or an unwitting chuckle.
But I was out the whole of yesterday for work and then, a very charming evening with my Bblics darling, at the very backyard of Substation. Now, totally gone commercial, in support of local music. But, losing that rawness, that au naturel ambience, that sincere casualness. We shared a bot of riesling. I never knew I could help to finish half a bot of wine. And the always-good pizza.
I was out the whole day today too. Because I promised to bring two of my girls to the Philatelic Museum as their reward for achieving the target I set for them in a mock test.
In short, I totally missed out on the bulk of the music that has been coming through the airwaves this weekend.
All I wanted to do was to stay in bed and read. All I wanted to do was just to meet my Bblics darling for that comfortable silent companionship as the band rocked on.
All I want now is for this weekend to extend. To extend just for one more day. Just for one more day. Please. Please?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:33
March 20, 2008
Fear. Real.
I went rock climbing as usual today. Annie and HN got me to try a new wall today.
"It's scary," they both warned me.
Sounds fun already! We decided I should have a go at it, not really to reach the top but more to just have a feel of the fear climbing that particular wall can cause.
And, it WAS scary, all right.
The thing with climbing most walls, even if those 4-storeys high kind in Safra Yishun (I reached the top of that one, on the 3rd try, hehe), is that you need to feel a certain level of security that you are in the good hands of your belaying friend. Most of the time, I have no issue with that at all. I only climb when I know I can trust the person who belays me to not hate my guts enough to murder me or handicap me.
The thing with this particular wall that we climbed today, is that it does not give you the feeling that you are on belay and will just hang quite safely in the air even if you fall. That's to do with the inclination design of the wall and the angle at which the belaying rope is hung. So, even if I do trust Annie (a lot) in belaying me, it was not that assuring at all when I didn't even feel the pull of the rope much.
Boy, was it scary! I just stood there, legs quite wide apart, hands quite outstretched too. I looked down and shouted, "now I know what you guys mean by scary." 'Cos it was! I felt that I couldn't let go of my hands despite HN's encouragement and assurance that I will be able to reach for the further hold, ONLY if I can muster enough guts to let go and quickly grab the other one. The crux was in the guts and speed. Both of which I couldn't summon at that point in time. I just felt that if I let go, I will lose my hold and slip. I will not fall, as a matter of fact. But I will swing out like a pendulum being let go of. Even more ugly, the hold was getting slippery 'cuz of the perspiration on my palm. It was no good, at all.
I had to go for it, be prepared to slip. Or I could just prepare myself to let go and feel like a pendulum for awhile. I did the latter.
So, I swung and swung and turned and turned and caught hold of my belaying rope and was lowered down by Annie.
Oh, I'm telling now. That was damndamndamn shiok. The whole time of wanting to try to reach out, but seriously stumped by fear, a psychological obstacle that prevented me from doing what seemed to be the most sensible but scary thing, and in the end, just letting go and swing in the rhythm of that decision.
Seriously, just recalling it now is making me feel a bit jittery too.
And that's the whole damn beauty of it. How often do I feel any emotion as intensely and as real as what I felt just now?
For that few minutes there, there was nothing on my mind except fear. So much that I realised I was shivering a little up there and my palms were getting wet. And there was this whole adrenalin rush when my feet touched the floor.
I don't quite know how to describe it except it was really intense and scary. Yet, when I was completely safe and had no reason to be scared anymore, I want to go back to it. To stare at that fear in the face again and try (however feebly) to conquer it.
I will go back to that wall again. Just not today. And probably not next week too. My nerves need a little time to settle and get over the mini-trauma.
I lurve rock climbing!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:13
March 19, 2008
L.L.L
I'd rather dance. Than to fall in love.
That's what the lyrics said. A mandarin song.
Listening to those songs, those very familiar mandarin songs... blasting them so loud to block out the existence of other participants of the human race... that was really depressive and oppressive... and it came to the point where something watery came out from the corner of the eyes.
Liquefied Loss and Loneliness. Always handle with care by sleep.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:54
March 18, 2008
Sign these rainchecks
For example,
let's go for massage together again;
how about decaf latte at Orchard Parade Hotel, people watching;
or a movie, something we could both laugh at, indulge in, since Paris je taime;
ice cream and dessert would be good too, decadent brownie for you, therapeutic smoothie for me;
revisit to an old haunt along Armenian Street, even if they revamped away the things we had loved most;
lie in bed together, just chatting, sighing about time gone and dreams yet to come, your quiet assurances mixed with sleepiness;
and these are enough already. Too much, perhaps.
But it's only two seasons. It will be autumn again soon. I hate autumns because all my autumns have been about departures. Maybe this one will be different.
Spend time with yourself too. In case you forget, soon, how it's like to be the lan mao in a place where you hold citizenship.
Sigh... I can deal with this. I will save more money because of this. Still, there will be this sadness creeping in.
Time - A bigger and bigger hole to be filled.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:11
Watched and raving
"You think it's a day like any other. What you don't realize is that anything can happen. And then it does. It happens. And there's so much left unsaid. And it was all just wasted time. (pause) I just want somebody to help me understand. Just to help. Can you help me?"
Mrs Collins
"The first line of C.S Lewis'
A Grief Observed is: 'No one ever told me grief felt so like fear.' I'll get you a copy. I think it will help."
Nate
both from
Six Feet Under - Season 2 'In place of anger'
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:06
March 17, 2008
Version X needed
888 posts on this space and another 100 on the other space. I've posted 988 blog entries in the past 58 months. This is the 989th.
xxx
I need to do something about my hair. I was wondering if I could hold out long enough for it to grow longer and then, maybe I would switch to a school girl's cut. I don't know what I should call it but what I had in mind was equal length throughout, not bob cut anymore. Something like Cleopatra style? haha... but I wouldn't cut my fringe like THAT.
Now, I don't think so anymore. 'Cuz it's starting to annoy d hell out of me when there seems to be no way of making it look good. The back is starting to curl out, as well as the front. I look frenzied if I don't hold them all in. And when I do, I look like someone just ironed my hair flat.
Still, it looks nice when it's wet and straight and I could toss my hair a bit and finger-style it. But, why would I bother to do that everyday?
I need a trim soon. I'm toying with blue highlights this time. *o* Nah, just kidding. Not now anyway.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:14
March 16, 2008
Found: PLAY ground
Trudy and I went to PLAY. Trudy and I had fun. Trudy and I decided we will go again on a "Ladies Night".
I like that nobody cared if the other people were having a good time. Because everybody was having a good time.
Life's too short. Get out and play.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:40
March 15, 2008
Where do you think you are?
Some moments in this stage of my living, I deduce that in terms of reliability, the ranks go like this-
my bed
myself
my laptop including DVDs
my books
my family
my work
TV
the fridge
my friends
the possibility of my partner
From most reliable to least reliable.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:50
Seriously, whatever.
We were supposed to meet at 7.30pm for dinner at Plaza Sing. I was supposed to decide the place and he, the time (that's what he wanted). In the end, I decided both. Then, he said he's sick of town and would prefer Serangoon Gardens or Kovan. I acceded to that. And it was confirmed, for then.
At 10minutes to 7pm, his sms came, suggesting that I go ahead with dinner first and he would join me around 8pm.
My first thought: I thought we were supposed to meet for dinner? And because you are sick of town, I can't even kill time by window shopping at Plaza Sing while waiting for you.
I was not surprised at all that he would be late. Truth be told, whenever I meet friends who work in the corporate sector, I give them enough allowance to be late (well-trained by Wenn). By 'enough', I mean half an hour to an hour. Is that not good enough?
That is why I will suggest to meet in town, somewhere nearer to their corporate cells and somewhere I can shop around, park myself in some bookstore (no matter how poorly stocked) and try not to take notice of my grumbling tummy while I wait for my dinner companions.
But, tell me. What's there to distract myself with in Serangoon Gardens? Food. Only. But we were supposed to have dinner together. So?
GQ (sms): U r such a whiner. Well, if you think u can find other activities at this hour, i m not stopping u :) should be (able to reach) ard 8.30pm. Can? Sorry la
me (sms): Ya, I'm whining because I've a life to live. N I'm quite sick of often waiting for my friends who either don't make the effort or when I do, they seem to take it for granted. Yes, I'm capable of finding other activities for myself at this time too. Dun need to be sorry about it ok... cos i'm sorry about not wanting to wait too.
GQ (sms): ha ha ha. Chill la. Relax. Tell you what. U shall not wait then. Shall not hold u up. I will make the effort the next time. Yeah?
me (sms): Sure... my memory's not that good nowadays. So, I won't bother holdin u to that sms. I'll c u when I c u.
GQ (sms): Aiya. Dun like that. Sorry. Sorry. Dinner n drinks on me next time.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:24
March 13, 2008
Dipping in 23 Deg Cel
It's very wet, very inconvenient and potentially dangerously depressing if this continues. It makes my friends (well, one of them, anyway) pruned.
But somehow, I would like for this weather to continue. Even though I have to travel around, toes wet, shoes squished with rain water and looking really clumsy with my file and umbrella (But I look so good in my light trench coat).
It's 23 deg cel in Sg right now. Tomorrow is not going to be any different, said the Met folks.
I like. Let's go for a nice, steamy steamboat! Again?
Yup. I've gotten over my 5 rounds of CNY steamboat already. hehe
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:35
"Yellow"
On the train. A rainy day. A day in the school holiday week.
A song. Coldplay. Yellow.
It is still like you were singing to me. Like you are still here. It's like you are still singing.
A smile formed on my otherwise placid face.
Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you,And everything you do.Yeah, they were all yellow.You know I love you so.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:25
March 12, 2008
loosely harnessed
My horoscope for this week: What is life without a little controlled danger? This week, you’ll get the answer to that question as you may have to make a snap decision that will involve an element of risk.
I like the way it sounds. Anyway.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:07
March 11, 2008
Kyn's windows
In response to the comment from you to March 02:wahaha.. there has been a gross misunderstanding, I see. Hey! But coming from you, can u really blame me for misinterpreting THAT? n pls! how OFTEN are u back home here to talk about seeing less of me? I went all the way to HK only to be mistreated by you! Go reflect upon it!
U mean to say u saw urself as one of my potentials before? OhMyFishyGod!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:34
March 06, 2008
Painful choice
My bad. CSI is not on Monday. It's on Wednesday. House's on Monday. And that's a good thing too. hehe
But Wednesdays are my rock climbing days. I try not to miss it (since it's my shower of illusion that I'm actually leading a sporty lifestyle, too). Usually, I will reach home just 10 minutes before 11pm. Meaning, I could at least watch the last but least exciting bit of CSI. Not good enough at all.
I continue to mull over this for a win-win solution...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:51
Free hand
A friend's friend told the friend that it takes more courage to let go than to hold on.
True. I learnt that I'm chicken shit. I just refuse to take the risk again.
So, you please, let it go.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:47
March 02, 2008
Classic Kyn
juxRebel says:
hey by the way i think u r so in the low profile since u are with kay
juxRebel says:
*when
becos you are sooo good looking. says:
kay made me feel contented with watever shit i ve.
dats what love is supposed to make u feel rt?
becos you are sooo good looking. says:
but now that i'm not with her, i guess... i have a lot of voids to fill.. n distractions to keep me busy.
juxRebel says:
yeah love is supposed to make u feel complete
juxRebel says:
so that's why i've seen alot less of u
juxRebel says:
she (Leen) basically covered all ur potentials
becos you are sooo good looking. says:
fuck u. no. fuck me.
juxRebel says:
UH HUH
Bad excuse for not making the effort. Lame excuse.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:30
Totally, clearly, honestly
Met up with Emman yesterday. From the chat that we had, I've very much convinced him and reassured myself that I'm a self-indulged bitch.
*O_0* Wahahaha!
Maybe that explains the placid, dreamy, confident, patient, calm, self-assured, sensible... waysss I look. I just don't quite care.
*O_0* Wahahaha!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:53
March 01, 2008
Believe this.
Because you are good looking. But not quite as charming as the one I'm still in love with. But of cos, you may argue. That one is your one sided, unreciprocated affair with the ghost of her, the faraway images still trapped within your mind. How could I ever contend with figments of your imagination, relics of your past?
That's right. Don't. Don't contend. You would be so wasted on me. Like how I'm so wasted on her. Who I knew her to be.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 02:56
Story of this pendant
For my birthday last year, I bought myself a birthday gift. A pendant that I have seen much earlier and have been thinking about getting but was held back by the price (tho it's less than 30 bucks). The very pendant that I'm wearing around my neck now, by default. Unless I'm wearing something that requires more accessorizing than a simple silver piece.
It's a cubic cage. Inside the cage are three supposingly Swarovski crystals - 2 white and 1 pink. I don't think they are really the luxury brand crystal cos they don't shine much as they should. Nevertheless, the first time I saw this pendant, it was a love affair.
It charmed me cos it gave me a sense of entrapment, yet a sense of being safe. At that point in time, I did feel trapped in time, in the wake of a lost relationship, lost love. On the other hand, the three crystals inside were so pretty. They move about when you shake the pendant a bit. There is some kind of irony in this. Like caged freedom. Some kind of randomness in a tiny, rigid space. Some kind of beauty that's being protected in a cube, away from any ugly contact with the outside.
I felt the crystals could have easily represent Me, Myself and I. And honestly, I use it to remind me to protect myself from the pretense of this world, the illusion of being understood ever, and the pits of being in love again.
Yes, yes. I know it sounds pessimistic and doomed and whatnot. But hey, that's my way, my idea of coping and in a way, moving on. So, cut me some slack.
I toy with images, concepts of entrapment, illusions-turned-disillusions and a growing belief that nothing much in life is very much real. People change all the time; things are on constant shifting; relationships can be fleeting and meaningless; our understanding of any one thing does not even withstand the flow of time. What's there to hold onto?
haha... Ok, fine. I'd stop. Here. But really, amid all these that I know I can't hold onto, I live moment by moment. That, honestly, is more incredible. No?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 02:30